I had further messed up another relationship that should not have been in the first place. 4 years. Over . Burned some bridges. Breathed some fire. Down low and dark. Saw some sort of healing warm light welcoming me into the world. Maybe I could live in life and not against it. Swore it was not the meds or euphoria. I swear a lot. Swearing does not make it so. Anyhoo... I met a girl. I saw her through this light and was blinded by it.
Not to say that a great many of her positive qualities were not shining through as well but I was solidly inclined to ignore the warning signals and settle into the false comfort of miraculous relief that I was resigned to accept as true.
It was beautiful and intense and horrifying. For all the indulgent, exciting illumination, I was paid back every nasty head trip I had ever driven anyone through. She was me in all of my glory to adore and all my foaming twisted vitriol to repel. Still in denial about the hate, fear and anger seething between the cracks of my charisma, subdued only by the fragile, nubile membrane of manic enlightenment. My entire archive of tumultuous nonsense was being reflected back into to me with a surgical trajectory, through the vessel of another human.
That light was a false epiphany, a theme which the rest of the record also deals with. I wanted to show her the path but I had not found it yet, I was just pretending that i had. I reverted to my old fire and fought hers with it. We both lost the battle. It was a honing experience.
No spiritual awakening. It was a spiritual goosing, leading to what I can only hesitantly describe as a karmic justice. I saw how and what I had been to a select few daring women who had loved me. A deep magnetic tormented love with a steep price that would deny and destroy me if I continued with the endeavor. I think it did to some degree, in a good way.
It is a rare opportunity to see how other hold you. Most folks never get that chance. I am thankful for it. I hold no malice or regret to the memory of the one who unwittingly taught me the lesson. I didn't want to be that thing anymore, I didn't want have that thing anymore. it was excruciating to let it go and i could have left on a better note than I did...the situation that is, not the tune.
Oh Judith the truth is you're as crazy as me
I see the mirror in your eyes and I want to run away
I see the mirror in your eye and I cry, how much I love you
I see the mirror in your eyes and I know I should leave
Oh Judith the truth is I loved you the best
Oh Judith the proof is I was blind to see
How I must have tormented the rest and how easy it is to invest
In another scar hearted black hole like me
Oh Judith the truth is leaving you is leaving myself
I see the mirror in my eyes and the promise fades away
I see the mirror in my eyes and I cry how close we came
I see the mirror in my eyes and there's no one staring back.
Normal music for weird people. Salty New Wave Americana singer songwriter with a introspective black humor, a moral nihilism and a mostly harmless misanthropic spirituality. Born and Bred in Baltimore , Maryland.